omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
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