Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
You have to summon your inner elephant
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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