I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
