my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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