But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
