omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
