I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Randomize
