Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
