He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
