and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
