Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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