I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
