Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i already hear my dad disowning me
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
