then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
So much rum. So many feels.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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