It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Randomize
