I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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