Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Randomize
