Just took my morning after pill in the library
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
