i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
