Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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