Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
