I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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