I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
