And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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