This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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