I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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