I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Randomize
