I don't usually arrange sex via text message
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
