We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
