If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
