In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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