I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
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