I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Oh god it's open bar.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
