Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
