there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
