The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
