Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
