Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
