Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
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He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
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I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize