I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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