WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
