i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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