i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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