textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
