Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Randomize
