Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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