I skipped work to stalk him.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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