ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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