i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
