Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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