How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
