my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
