Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
