best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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